11.02.2012

Guilt

I wrote this this morning and I'm really not sure what to do with it. I have been thinking about writing and short fiction stories. This is not fiction. Originally in the shower wne I was thinking about it (cause that's where I think best) It was going to be the beginning of a short fiction story or an idea of one. Just not sure what it's going to be now...other then a blog post and out there for judgement. 

I am 37-years old.
I have 2 kids under two. 

Well under 3.
How my life has changed from one year to the next.
I am a mom of two and a wife.
I know, I said that like 2 seconds ago, but somehow I just have a hard time believing it.
It's what I wanted and I LOVE my girls.
I wanted to be married, I wanted to have children with my husband. However, I find myself more and more longing for the life I had 5 short years ago.
I cry just thinking about it. Like it makes me a bad wife and mother. I just can't help it.
 

There are remainders of my 'old life' all around.
Furniture, job, people…and unfinished dreams.
Dreams I try and stuff into a closet or shove way down into the depths of my belly with food.
But I can't get away from them. 

And I don't want to.
 

But I can't figure out how to be this 'new me'.
It took me 30 years to figure out how to be the 'old me' and I'm not sure I'm willing to wait 30 more to figure out the 'new me'. And that scares me.

 
I have immense faith in God. IMMENSE faith…but the whole blind trust thing, so hard. It feels impossible to me and makes me cry just thinking about it. Just admitting it.
God has never let me down, I know He has a plan.
Maybe writing this is part of His plan, I'm it is. He's got the whole book of my life written, I wonder if He'd let me borrow it or take a look at it. 

Just a peak.
Cause patience is not something I have immense amounts of.
 

I do, have an overabundance of guilt.
The guilt that I can't be devoted to any one thing. The guilt that I have all these wants and needs floating around in my head and it feels like I can't do any of them.
And since I can't focus on one thing, I commit to nothing and everything loses, especially me. And now I'm thinking about me and not my girls and then…you guessed it…more guilt.
It's a vicious cycle.
 

And I don't think it's the same for men. This is a women thing.
Men don't feel guilty about anything like this.
And, since I'm being honest, that pisses me off to no end. I want my husband to feel guilty.
Hell, I want him to truly.
feel.
anything…
for more then 2 seconds.

He called last night, because he's out of town.
"I miss you."
"Why? If you were home you'd be out in the garage or hiding in the basement. You wouldn't be around." My attempt at trying to make him feel guilty, but he doesn't.
"Nooooo." Pause "I would have gotten to give you a hug when I cam home."
Silence on my end.
"I love you."
I don't know what to say…I love him, but in that moment I hate him, because he feels no guilt. He probably didn't even think about us at all until 10 minutes before he called.

And yes, that is what I think. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. But I don't believe him…ever. Cause he never acts like he means what he says. I think he just says it because he thinks it's what he's supposed to say. But he almost never backs it up with actions and my love language is action...don't tell me something a hundred time, because if you don't have the action to follow it up...not really believing it. I'm just saying...he does what he wants, not what he should do for anyone other then himself.

On the rare occasion we have a discussion beyond his day, what he wants to do/his dreams or the girls/everyday activities (which he pomptly forgets) and I try and talk to him about something that is important to me or how guilty I feel.
He usually interrupts or makes a joke in the middle of it--which prompts me to shut down and he always says he's sorry right afterwatds because he know's what he has done, but it didn't stop him originally from doing it. 

His response, "Don't feel that way."
Thanks asshole…like I couldn't have figured that one out on my own. If I could figure out how to do that…we'd probably not be married because I would have also figured out a way to divorce your ass, live on my own and maybe find a man who knew how to feel guilty and sympathize with me.

But I digress, cause this is about me and my guilt. 

So, here's the question: How?
How do I stop feeling guilty?
How do I forget what I want?
How do I get over all the things that I will never get to do?
How?
Again with the fucking tears!
 

I'm jealous that he can do all those things…that he feels NO need to change, be different, give up his dreams or at least give up talking about them constantly.
Or feeling like he doesn't have to do anything day-to-day with our children.
Someone's sick…I have do deal with it.
Someone's hungry…me again.
Someone needs changed, clean cloths, clothes that fit…me.

Unless I spell it out for him.
 
Women, can't seem to do that. We have a much higher sense of what HAS to be done. And have to put our thoughts and feelings on the back burner to do all the things that need to be done for others.
I don't know that I was taught this, maybe I was, but…somehow I think it's just passed down in female DNA. Some kind of fetal amorally that happens in the womb with girls, not boys. All I know is, I'm selfish and what to be able to think about myself sometimes. And then GUILT.

He comes home and give hugs and then goes and hides until I tell him EXACTLY what to do. He can't figure it out on his own…cause he's 41 years old and has never thought about anyone else in his life. Oh, yet another reason I dislike my mother-in-law (but that's a different story).
And this was not supposed to be a husband bashing story, this was/is suppose to be about me.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to separate me and them. And I fear that there is no me.
No me.
No me.
I don't even know what to say next.
Other then this: All these things…
ALL OF THEM…
Make me feel guilty.
And guilty has no productive qualities. At least not one that I can see.

4 comments:

  1. Oh maria
    Live sometimes gets the best of us, doesn't it?
    I also have the same felling like you, and to had another item to your list, I've changed country, and no family here, only me him and the girls. Things got pretty lonely here, I'm not 100% good still, but i have a lot of mothers from my girls school that i talk with.
    Not enough i know, but for now for me that is gold.
    Don't know what else to say to you, I do understand all you emotions completely!!!
    Hang in there girl
    XXXXX

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  2. Thank you Cristina! Life sure does get the best of me and I think maybe it's just one of those days.
    I hope that although you are in a different country you are finding women to connect with and I believe that is worth a lot. I think I'm just feeling like my creative juices are flowing all the time and I don't get to use them the way I'd like and maybe if I were home with the girls all the time I'd have the chance to use that more then I get to with a fulltime job.
    Thanks again for the encouragement!

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  3. I love that you posted something so honest and not just fluff that people thing people want to read. There are ups and downs and I'm sorry that you are struggling but want to offer my thoughts that what you are experiencing is totally normal and the same as everyone goes through, not to diminish your feelings but if you are thinking everyone has wonderful happy perfect lives, well they don't, they just pretend to on facebook. Hugs and recommendations for a run. Endorphins and chocolate make everything better ;)

    Hugs and as much love as I can convey through a blog Maria. You are in my circle ;)

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  4. Thank you Jenny
    Maybe I'll do it again sometime soon.
    You (and Cristina) are both in my circle too. :)
    Thank you ladies for continuing to read.

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